​I've been waking up recently with a recurring question knocking around my noggin: If my life were a walking sim, would it make a Youtube streamer a lot of money?

 

I would venture to say that, as of the beginning of 2021, most folks are spending the majority of their time inside (at least they should be). With vaccinations rolling out, however, we can all hope to see the sun with some regularity very soon. Additionally, the video game-forward among us has probably spent some time on Youtube - maybe it's looking up walkthroughs, maybe it's doom scrolling, maybe it’s drag queen makeup videos, maybe it's a roulette adventure that started with watching a video about the blackest of black paints being used on a car and ended with zoning out to an elaborate Euro Truck Simulator stream. Who knows. I am among the Youtube faithful and have dabbled in the aforementioned, as well as a myriad of other meaningless video topics. Be that as it may, I have this self-important (and probably ill-advised?) notion that my life would make a fairly interesting video game. I haven't gotten the mechanics of it sorted out just yet but if I'm fully diving into this thought experiment, I envision it as a walking sim. It will be a bit tedious at first, but after certain numbers increase, more of the world will open up which will give the player opportunity to alter my life's course in meaningful or bat-shit funny ways. Maybe the game concludes with a satisfactory happiness rating or an existential crisis, resulting in a game over screen.

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As an aspiring games journalist who daylights as an account manager at a business management firm, my mornings are often routine but invigorating. I wake up at 5:15 am to run along the beach. I get to see the sunrise, which fills my tank before I fill my tank with coffee.

 

I think the game would start with my alarm going off, followed by some quick-time events to quickly silence my phone before it wakes my wife; if the player is unsuccessful, then it snoozes and they have to do it all over again nine game-minutes later. Failure to get up in time to see the sunrise may result in lasting de-buffs plaguing me the rest of the day. 

 

During my actual workday, I spend time on loads of Zoom calls, emails, texts, and emails. So many emails. Occasionally there's a phone call, but who uses phones to talk anymore? During the lulls, I can't help but think about things to write. You can usually catch me listening to a video game podcast in the background of whatever I'm doing, which is probably a contributing factor to my wandering mind. Unfortunately, videogames have yet to benefit me in my job (or my pocketbook) but here's hoping we'll get a client that needs help figuring out what video game they should buy their kid. 

 

The player would have to navigate different pop-ups on the screen to keep the distraction meter low. After a certain amount of successes, the player earns me bonus distraction time with no consequences where they can fill up a notebook with idea-chits to then use as writing fodder later in the game. Gather enough chits and maybe I complete a full outline of an article before the end of the workday! 

 

I cannot sit all day. To combat this, I've taken to using a couple of boxes, on which I place both my keyboard and mouse so that I can stand and do some work. I quite like it. I can honestly say that throughout my workday of eight or nine hours I'm standing for about five of those. During my time standing, I'll sway back and forth or maybe do a two-step to keep the blood flowing. Just to the right of me on the floor are two 30 pound weights. I'll occasionally pick those up and forget what I used to do with them when we were allowed to go to the gym and be inside six feet of another human being. Depending on the time of day the window above where my weights gather dust, the sunlight reflects into my eyes and I have to close the blinds a little; they're not black-out so the sun is still able to massage its way in but the wild parrots that have made a home in the trees outside the window can no longer provide a beautiful green and fiery orange distraction. Be that as it may, the blinds must descend. 

 

There will be a timer on screen that repeats; when it buzzes the player will need to make me stand for a fluctuating amount of time while playing a balancing game (or maybe a rhythm game?) making sure I don't lock my knees or look out the window too much. As a bonus, they can initiate a weight lifting session but will have to watch out for hazards like a bed or a desk, or a computer monitor. If the player forgets what the in-game time is they may experience a flash-bang effect if they don't close the blinds in time. If they do succeed, however, they'll be visited by a family of parrots when they re-open the blinds and be allowed to earn more writing chits should they take enough photos of the parrots with the in-game cell phone. Banked enough bonus time? Maybe post those pics to all the socials for a bump in happiness. 

 

My mind dances during the workday, not just thinking about videogames, but about more than I should probably be pondering, to be honest. I vent this out by making my way downstairs to get water or another cup of coffee, or a Lacroix. While I'm down there I'll spray the plants we have with a delicate glass water bottle, touching each leaf making sure to give the entirety of each plant the same amount of attention. Among our collection, my wife and I have an African Violet which is a strange plant. When my wife's Grandmother passed on her aunt suggested we take it. We didn't know this at first, but the leaves of an African Violet don't like getting wet; the leaves "burn" if they get water on them, which puzzles me as to their ability to survive in the wild. Watering Grandma's plant takes 10 to 15 minutes because I have to use a straw; I dip it in a cup of water and let the water escape slowly in the soil taking extra care not to let any of it touch the leaves. It flowers once a year and we haven't had it long enough to experience that yet, but I can't wait. That plant is probably the most important plant I've ever watered. 

 

Downstairs is much better than upstairs; there's more open space and the lighting is spectacular. If the player has an HDR screen this is where the graphics shine. As they advance through the game, they may unlock the ability to go downstairs and work from the couch. Maybe the functionality shrinks or what they see on the work screen becomes more cumbersome and crowded because they’re now on a tablet or something similar. Sure, the "fulfilled" meter may be filling up quickly but actual work may slow to a crawl because a mini-game is about to start -keep the plants happy-. In a psychedelic sequence, each plant will be calling out to me, demanding attention, demanding water, demanding to be moved throughout the space to chase the sunlight and capture enough rays to remain perky.  If they succeed in keeping all the plants happy they'll unlock the final plant challenge, in which they'll need to guide me in watering the kaiju-sized African Violet. The leaves will spin and swipe, attempting to block its soil pot from the water. Accidentally squirt a leaf? Ooh, that's bad luck; the player manages to allow the plant to knock me back, inflicting me with mental exhaustion.

 

What would a Youtuber talk about while playing through this game? Would they get bummed out? Would they try to clip through the upstairs window to catch one of the parrots? Would they try to speed-run it? Would they try and get me to take a sick day and guide me out the front door to locations unknown? Perhaps this game is a combination walking-sim/ visual novel, my hair always perfect and shiny. Or, perhaps, this is just a different way of asking who would play me in a movie. My life would make a damn interesting walking sim. Everyone's life would make a damn good walking sim, I have no doubt. Maybe that's not even the challenging part. The challenge is on the Youtuber to take into consideration a life they haven't lived and project it to an ever-growing and isolated world in a way that makes the viewer introspect and, more importantly, smash that subscribe button, as it were.

 

Hey guys, it's me BongToker XY. Today I'm streaming Go Go Go Joseph. Be sure to like and subscribe...